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Tanya's blog

It arrived from China with exponentially spreading global fear, powerlessness, and people fighting for life. It was called a Corona virus pandemic, threatening humanity world wide. During this imperfect time I am aware of its influence, directing my life during periods of tension, constant stress and fear of an unknown invisible enemy--my life changed. It changed maybe forever? I felt like a robot, mechanically doing my routines, household chores, usually in the morning, inwardly trying to direct my distressed thoughts toward an imaginary positive outcome. This new impermanence of an unknown duration is eased by listening to music, soothing my vulnerable soul. In contrast, to my normal previous world, I busy myself, hoping to “stabilize” my inner fear and anxiety. These attempts are rather trivial like cleaning diligently, putting things in place, washing my hands longer than usual; organizing old papers, books, my linen closet, exercising on the docks beside the water from time to time…. These tasks become enormously important, keeping me in control against the invisible enemy in our deteriorating world and the unknown finality of dying. My attempts at defeating this uncertainty seem futile against a fatal viral illness but I felt somehow that the human machinery will win in the end.


Ordinary events continue like a kaleidoscope of life pictures in different colors. This time is an imitation of living and enjoyment of life as it was before; before this invisible, fatal enemy arrived from the East. The power of an unrelenting enemy daily elevated our growing dread. We asked ourselves how to conquer anxiety and fear, and how to find a way to escape this dangerous enemy. Our reality is fear, filling us with vulnerability and feelings of loss of control in our lives; loss of health, life, close relationships with people who mean so much and especially family who live on another continent. We were thinking that maybe the only control we have is not to react with fear of this invisible, deadly enemy but to gain knowledge to fight against its invisible power. This was the grain of hope that we wished will grow.


Confined at home--we played chess, listened to music, connected with our bodies and souls in the hope of finding a world with sunrise and sunsets with multicolored displays of beauty. One day we went for a boat adventure on a beautiful sunny day. We let ourselves fully enjoy nature surrounding us. We listened to waves crashing against our boat, looked at flying birds; the seagulls, pelicans, watched herons sitting on mangrove branches we passed. The sky was blue with a few cotton soft clouds and we were happy trying to forget our reality in those moments. We saw dolphins jumping in the bay as the wind was blowing my hair, I felt a complete freedom in my body and soul.


We remained ourselves that life can be fine and fearless again.



Tatjana Webster, April 2020

St Pete Beach

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